Dear Diary
I think I am getting old.
Yup. There. I've said it. (Not out loud, but it was in my brain.)
I don't want to go out anymore.
Gasp!! Shriek! Shock!! Horror!!
I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to.
I don't want the schlep of doing my hair.
I don't want to fret what to wear. (And then get to the mall and the other women my age - the ones with the BODIES, look like they stepped from the covers of Vogue).
I don't want to spend hours getting the horde ready to go out.
I don't want to count to 300,509,890,299 (10 doesn't do it for me anymore) when Princess 2 goes into a screeching fit because she "hates those shoes" and yanks the whole lot off YET again...
I don't want to order the entire kids menu, only for it all having to end up as take-aways, as the jungle gym or the childless couple next door was more entertaining.
I don't want to have to call the waiter at every meal as the soft drink was spilled on the table and the floor YET AGAIN (why do they ALWAYS provide tall, top heavy glasses for kids?? For crying out loud - they can't even see above the table, let alone reach high enough to drink out of those classes including that long straw...)
I don't want to (should I take them with) run after the kids while I try and have a pizza (formal restaurants are strict NO GO zones with toddlers - it's pizza or our local family-friendly steakhouse.
I don't want to (should I not take them with) feel guilty the whole night because I dare have a time away. For MYSELF!
I don't have the energy to deal with my Mom's guilt trip. "Mom, we want to go out tonight." Her (without skipping a beat: "Will you be feeding/bathing the kids before you go? What time will you be back?"
(My mother has serious security/saftey issues, see. Living in South Africa clearly doesn't help either....)
I don't want to come home at 11:00 (GASP!! SO LATE!) and the kids all all running amok in the lounge ("They JUST didn't want to sleep and he kept on asking for you.." best said in your most feeble, most exhausted voice that you can muster, while blinking your tired eyes like an owl caught unexpectedly in a spotlight), the entire house smells of fishfingers (Lord & Master doesn't like fish so Mom & Mom-in-Law uses the odd opportunity to splash out - besides the fact that I am not there to cook), and each and every window is shut tighter than a clay oxen's butt, and every, and I DO mean EVERY, light in and outside the house is on.
I don't want to feel guilty about spending the money on going out instead of spending it on my kids or SOMETHING ELSE THAT IS MORE IMPORTANT.
I don't want to drive home after spending money to be faced by beggars on every street corner (I see they bus them in these days - four per robot or stopstreet - sometimes with the obligatory helper to steer the blind) and be forced to acknowledge my own financial well-being and the financial not-so-well-being. Let me be for goodness sake - I have my own guilt- trip issues...I don't want your poverty on my brain (while I drive home with the take-aways on my lap). I know, I know. Mean-spirited bitch, hey? But hell, there are some days....
I want to stay at home.
I don't want to have to decide.
Leave me alone.
Don't phone me. (I know you are going to ask me to come out and then I sound like the party pooper when I always say no.)
Don't do any surprise visits. I will be in my fat tracksuit with the holes on the knees. My hair will be in a clip and my fringe will be oily. I will have no make-up on. I will have oatmeal on my (very old and stretched) jersey. I will be wearing my incredibly cheap and nasty mass produced plastic Chinese slops. (Whose maker, by the way, should get the Nobel prize). I will probably have a red and sweaty face because I am doing some or other filthy hobby/cleaning job. I will be tired and irritable because I have been picking up and cleaning after the brats the whole day - weekends provides a WHOLE DAY's opportunity of messing, you see.
And of course, as you have pre-planned the visit, you will look great, smell of perfume and as always, your figure looks good in anything.
I want to be at home.
My kids are safe here.
Princeling can climb, run, jump and anything else he fancies, as much as he wants to, and I know he will be (relatively) safe.
After three years, anything that can cut & maim him have done so, and has been packed away.
The pool has a fence and a net on.
The double gate system is (99.9% - apart from the time with the dog) in place.
Anything that he can hang himself up/against with - has been trimmed/chopped/tied up.
I can relax here.
Don't expect me to come for a social braai or a restaurant visit with my kids in tow.
IT IS NOT RELAXING RUNNING AFTER A DEMENTED THREE YEAR OLD!!!!!!
He runs faster than me anyways. There is no ways I can catch him.
And when I do, he scratches, howls and bites. (You know that little maneuvre when you want to pick them up and they pull their shoulders 'in' so they slip through like an eel and you end up with half the jacket and a half-dressed squirming, squealing child on the floor?)
And no - he does not have any psychological issues, he is quite normal - as any mother of an average 3 year old can assure you...
And people STARE. And shake their heads. And mutter: TSK! TSK! under their breath.
And even though you always say, fuck the people, we ARE the people, you do care.
And you can feel your face getting hotter and hotter. And your hair is suddenly SO irritating.
And you can see they are all commenting amongst themselves that that is a seriously naughty child and that YOU have no control over him. The frozen smiles and stiff next as their eyes casually saunter over your little scene and the stiff lips as they mutter, mutter, mutter. The partner's eyes quickly darting to your table before they look away....dead giveaway.
But boy!!! Who are the first to jump up and lecture you about child abuse should you lose the plot and smack him on the butt....
So you end up hissing idle threats. Cajole. Plead. Buying the toy/hamburger/chips/Coke/chocolate mousse/balloon/toy car that nobody is going to use/eat. The item you would NEVER under normal circumstances buy.
So no. I have decided.
Give me a boring weekend at home any day, thank you very much.
I'd rather do washing than lunch.
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4 comments:
WOW did you have a mouthful to say!
I understand what you go through..kids ARE tuff..ever think of getting one of those harnesses for the Prince? may seem cruel but it's really not and he wont be ablr to get away from you!
as to the restuarant thing..oh boy That's soo hard with toddlers, I pity you. I too prefer to stay home, and do NOT like drop-ins either! I just tell my friends "if you want to see me running around naked and go blind,don't call before you come!" lol I get phone calls BEFORE they come lol it worked!
When I am busy at home I don't wnat to put on nice stuff either..and I'm ALWAYS doing something!
BUT< you shouldn't deny yourself some alone time,and time to go out ALONE! it's called sanity time,and mommy is entiltled to it!
You've got me really curious now about your life in South Africa! Do you live inside a gated estate? you make your home sound like a fortress! and is the net over the pool because of the kids? or something else? I had heard something about it being dangerous to live there because of politics or something, just call me ignorant..
You don't sound like you lived there all your life..where do you come from,if you don't mind me asking,and why did you move to SA?(assuming I am right) If I'm being too nosey, just tell me it's none of my beeswax,I'll understand..
I can so totally feel what you feel!!! To much effort!
Born & bred Seffrican...
Live in Joburg.
One of the countries with the highest crime in the world.
According to http://www.speakout.org.za/events/stats/stats_ciet_survey.htm:
Few of the country's problems have done more to discourage foreign investment and international tourism than the high rate of violent crime. Carjackings and other types of robberies, widely considered a barometer of personal safety have climed steadily since 1994, according to the last crime statistics released by the police before the moratorium took effect this month.The murder rate has declined in the last five years to 55.3 per 100 000 in 1999, from 69.3 per 100 000 in 1994, according to an analysis by the Institute for Security Studies. But it remains among the highest in the world, and much of the decrease has been attributed to the gradual falloff in politically motivated killings that racked the country in the mid-1990s during the transition to black majority rule."
* 1998, SA Police Service reported 65 murders a day.
* The Commission on Gender Equality (govt) and Rape Crisis reported a rape every 26 seconds and that one woman in two will be raped in her lifetime, based on police estimates issued in 1997.
* One in two SA women will be raped University of SA (Unisa), March 29, 1999; Commission on Gender Equality (1999) - both government bodies; and Rape Crisis, 1999.
* One in four girl children and one in five boy children under the age of 16 have been sexually molested (Childline, 1999).
* Rapists and paedophiles are serial offenders, studies from around the world have shown they cannot be rehabilitated. In SA, NICRO attempted rehabilitation, but says that although they have success for a time, "at some stage they rape again." (National Institute for Criminal Rehabilitation, 1999)
* The SA Law Commission in mid-September, 1999, noted police estimates that only one in 35 rapes are reported; using this rule the SALC concluded that in 1998 there were 1 636 810 rapes in SA. Using the lowest estimate, that of NICRO that one in 20 rapes are reported, in 1998 there would have been 934 960 rapes. Interpol (1999) says, "South Africa remains in an 'undisputed first place' as far as reported cases of rape are concerned."
* In 1998 just under seven percent of the rapes reported were prosecuted (Department of Justice, 1999).
* 75% of rapes are gang rapes, a woman or child is more likely to be raped by 3 to 30 perpetrators in SA than by single person, however, the rapist who acts alone is more likely to kill(Groote Schuur, various district surgeons offices, rape clinics and police figures).
* 60% of rapes take place in the home (Unisa, 1999).
* 85% of rapists are armed, usually with a knife (Unisa, 1999).
* Rape clinics report that 16% of women are already infected with HIV on the day they are raped (Sunninghill Clinic, 1999); compared to 36% of all pregnant women who are infected (Dept Health); 75% of all paediatric deaths at Johannesburg hospital are AIDS related. (jhb hospital, 1999). One in three children admitted to any public hospital in SA is HIV-infected or suffering from an AIDS related illness (Department Health and hospitals) - and yet Dept Health says that only one in five South Africans are infected.
* By 2005 our average life expectancy in SA will be 35, one percent of GDP will be lost to HIV/AIDS and 75% of hospital budgets will be spent in treating HIV/AIDS (Bristol Meyers Squibb, AIDS research University of Natal, British government, SA government, etc...)
* About a third of those raped who do not receive antiretrovirals become HIV+ (tentative research from HIV and rape researchers, various, 1999)
* A study released in Johannesburg in June, 2000, by Community Information Empowerment and Transparency showed that:
* One in four young men in SA admitted they had raped. For every 400 rapes, only 17 became official cases and only ONE perpetrator is convicted. For every perpetrator convicted, there was a docket lost or sold.
* In South Africa there are 1 800 new HIV infections a day(Department of Health, 1999)
* The Johannesburg Hospital estimates that 40% of young men aged 20 to 29 - the most common age group of rapists, are infected with HIV (1999)
* June, 2000 - report of the United Nationas Economic Commission for Africa (researcher Carol Coombes): "violence is common and even considered the norm in sexual relationships. "Research in one township found that all the girls (mean age 16.4 years) had had sexual intercourse...a third described their first sexual experience as rape or forced sex, and two-thirds of teenagers had experienced sex against their wishes. "A qualitative study among Xhosa-speaking pregnant adolescent women revealed that violent and coercive male behaviour... directly affected the capacity (of young women) to protect themselves against STDs, pregnancy and unwanted sexual intercourse. Communication between partners on sexual issues was non-existent, and conditions and timing of sex were defined by male partners, giving young women little or no opportunity to discuss or practice safer sex." Similar data was presented to the AIDS conference in Durban by British researcher, Kate Wood, reporting on a 10 month study in Transkei.
* There is a myth across Africa, including SA, that a person can cleanse himself of HIV by raping a virgin. Reseachers at the World AIDS conference in Durban, July 2000, reported that this myth had spread to Asia.
* UNISA says the rape graph rises sharply in girls aged 11, and peaks at ages 13 to 25.
* The Department of Health noted in 1998 that the incidence of HIV is highest in girls aged 15 to 25.
* DoH noted in May, 2000, that 20% of girls aged 13 to 19 were infected with HIV.
* The World Bank and Unicef noted, 1999, that six times more girls were infected in Africa than boys.
* UNAIDS noted, June 2000, that half of all 15 year old boys in southern Africa would become infected in their lifetime.
* SA Police Service statistics show that in 1996, 19 755 children aged 0 to 17 years were raped (this does not include indecent assault (anal or oral sex), only vaginal penetration or attempts), in that same year 30 726 women aged 18+ were raped. In KwaZulu Natal, the province with the highest incidence of HIV (and where the myth about raping virgins is prevalent) 4 107 (0-17) were raped, compared to 4 599- 18+. 1997: 0-17 = 21 404 18+ = 30 756 KZN: 0-17 = 4 259 18+ = 4 380 1998: 0-17 = 19 836 18+ = 29 440 KZN: 0-17 = 4 300 18+ = 4 225.
* In Zambia, research conducted by the government and Unicef showed the rate of HIV infection in girls is five to seven times higher than among boys the same age. Doreen Mulenga, health officer for Unicef, Zambia said the biggest contributor to the difference is "cross generation infection" - older men passing the virus to younger girls. Research conducted in the early 1990s in Uganda, Zambia, Tanzania, Central African Republic, the Republic of Congo, Rwanda and Burundi has pointed to higher infection rates among young girls and men older than 30. At that time, the phenomenon was largely attributed to the so-called sugar daddy syndrome, in which teenage girls pursue relationships with well to do men to escape poverty... Across Africa, the burden and guilt of sexually transmitted diseases traditionally fall upon women; in Shona, the language of most Zimbabweans, AIDS and other sexual infections are known as chirwere chevadkadzi - women's diseases... During the first 3 months of 1998, 5 214 SA girls under 18 were reported raped keeping pace with last year's record of 21 404. Reported rapes in Zimbabwe have increased 30% in the last five years and more than half the cases in 1997 involved children, a large number of them under 5. (Los Angeles Times, December, 1998)
* The rape of girls under the age of 12 increased 65% in 1998 and 1999 (Government of Botswana Survey of Rape, 1999)
* Police figures for rape are broken down into "reported rape" which in terms of present definitions can only include vaginal rape; male rape is not included in statistics and is not classified as rape, it is extraordinarily difficult to get male rape investigated, it was previously classified as sodomy, however, sodomy is no longer a crime and in a rare instance it may be classified as indecent assault; anal and oral rape are classified as indecent assault - indecent assault is listed separately; sex with adolescent girls under the age of 16 is called "statutory rape" and is classified with the rape of so- called "imbeciles". Based on those categories rape in 1997 - 52 160; girls under age or "female imbecile" 537; indecent assault 5 053 = total all rape in 1997: 57 750 1998: rape reported 49 280; under age and "imbecile" 474; indecent assault 4 851 Total all rape in 1998: 54 605 Rape per 100 000 population according to the SA Police on reported figures and not including underage/imbecile or indecent assault was in 1994 109,6; 95 - 119,8; 96 - 124,4; 97 - 125,6; 98 - 115,8.
* In 1995 (when 35 000 rapes were reported) government's Human Sciences Research Council reported that SA had 149,5 rapes per 100 000 population, compared to 34,4 rapes per 100 000 in the USA. In other words, a woman has a five times higher chance of being raped in SA than in the USA.
* Rape homicide expert, Dr Lorna Martin, a forensic pathologist at the University of Cape Town says a woman is 40 times more likely to be raped in Cape Town than in any city in Europe (June, 1999). The last rape statistics issued by the SA Police Service show that rape statistics for January to June for the years 1994 to 1999 were: 94 = 18 801; 1995 =21 540; 1996 = 24 269; 1997 - 24 806; 1998 = 23 374; 1999 = 23 900. There are 43m people in SA based on South African govt stats; the United Nations estimates SAs population at 39m (UNAIDS, June 2000) The CIET survey (cited above) showed no correlation between sexual violence and unemployment. Even when it came to jack-rolling or recreational rape at gunpoint, two percent more of the employed than the unemployed said they liked it.(Leadership, August 2000)
...these are old statistics, but you can check out the new stats at:
http://www.saps.gov.za/statistics/reports/crimestats/2007/crime_stats.htm
I suppose it's like living in New York before Rudi Guiliani cleaned it up.
You just make do and live safely. You don't drive around at night and you keep a watchful eye during the day.
There is certain areas that you don't go and things you just don't do cause it's just plain old looking for trouble!!
But besides the crime, this is a BEAUTIFUL country...
OMG...I asked ..ty I didn't realize it was so bad. no one should have to live in fear. Ty for making me less ignorant.
but I'm speachless.
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