Hello Everyone!! ...Everyone?? Hello??...er...

Dear Diary

It has been for-bloody-ever since my last blog.

So much done so little to say.

Despite all my ranting and raving (like the lunatic I have turned into), I had to get my butt out and look for a job.

Yes.

Clearly, hats aren't all I though they were in South Africa yet.

So, now I working for a big agency, 8-6 daily, and that wonderful scourge of the earth, the laptop, ensures that I get a serious wad of after hour and weekend work in as well.

The Princeling has started nursery school, Princess 2 has started primary school and Princess 1 has suddenly popped into this young miss.

My husband lost his job (well - 'sort of' parted ways with his company seeing as they were going downhill as it was) - nothing like not getting paid for 3 months - of one being December, to kick you in the butt.

But there it is.

The mothers are still here, ruling my roost, and my therapist has gone up by R200 since I last saw him 18 months ago! The nerve...does he not understand this expense works even more on my feelings of guilt??? Bastard.

So there.

I will sign up again when I have two minutes to myself. Which seems to be never, really. And we will catch up again.

To Work Or Not To Work?

* Warning!!! This blog entry contains lots of ugly words and caps lock!!*

I have decided that I need to look for a job. We need the money.

I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to.

I feel like a lamb being led to slaughter.

The corporate ladder climbing.

The oneup(wo)manship.

The bickering and skinnering.

The back stabbing.

The permanently feeling out because I am not tits and ass.

The tedious drone of the day while you wait for the time to pass.

The boring, crappy work that someone else thinks up all the time.

Dealing with those IDIOT clients, of which the worst scourge of the earth must surely be a brand manager. ANY brand manager. They are SUCH fuckwits.

I fucking HATE advertising.

Sitting there with the thought that you SHOULD be working for yourself, lining (trying anyways) your own pockets instead of someone elses.

The mere thought of being treated like a child again: in at 8:30 exactly in do not leave a minute before five.

Dare take lunch time and you get the beady eye.

The Heir crying his eyes out when I leave in the morning saying: Mommy! Don't go to work, please don't go to work.

Living as a guest in my own house.

Wearing work shoes - I dislike shoes. They HURT.

Uncomfortable clothes.

Permanently having to check if your make-up is still on your eyes and lips and not on your cheeks and chin.

Answering the bloody phone when you are busy.

Sitting in peak traffic for two hours every day.

Losing touch with my house, my castle.

Giving up my position in the house to mom & mother-in-law.

The stress.

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

I H A T E I T!!!

It makes me UNHAPPY. U.N.H.A.P.P.Y. uhn-haaa-pee.

It will make me seriously consider driving into a bridge on my way to work.

No. I have changed my mind.

I am not going to look for work.

I am going to make my own work.

And I am going to involve both my mother and my mother-in-law in this. Bullshit. We are three women living in this house that can look after kids, clean, do the washing and cook. Why must I be punished to go work (away from my house and my kids) while they get to do what I should be doing?

Why can I not work from home? I work hard when I work.

So, I have decided. We are going to make hats for children. Sun hats.

And I will call the hat range: Jungle Child. Or Urban Child. Bling Bling Baby. Or something.

My mom can help sew (which she is good at) and mother-in-law can help sell and go to the creches (which she is good at).

Fuck that.

I am NOT going to work for someone else.

A Piece of Morning Peace

Shhhh.



It is seven o'clock in the morning.



Lord and Master of the Manor and the two Princesses have gone off on their day's doings. (Work, school).
The Heir is still sleeping.
My mom is still sleeping.
My mother-in-law is still in her room.

Shhhh.....

Can you hear that??

Yes - it is silence.



I am, for now, ALL ALONE.

Isn't it wonderful??

I have looked at the rising sun. I am drinking a warm cup of tea. I have had a piece of toast with marmite.

And I am grateful for this beautiful day, this quiet moment that was granted to me to just get my bearings and prepare me for the day.

I Am Hungry!!!

OK - so I have been SOOOOOOO good...

This is probably the longest I have been on a diet for the past 10 years.

One whole week.

I have my vitamins and my pep-up in the morning.

I have Shape for breakfast.

I have Shape for lunch. (As per the instructions).

I have a healthy low fat, low kilojoule diet for dinner, loaded with fresh vegetables.

I have 2 liters of water during the day.

I have only either Black Forest or Green Tea.

I wear my step counter and I make sure I walk my 10,000 steps per day.

And I have lost....TA-DAHHHH!!! (Drumroll, please.)

...a measly 300 grams. (Shocked intake of breath.)

YES. 300 grams, ladies & gentlemen.

WTF????

I just drink one glass of liquid less or have an extra pee and poof! That's 300 grams.

Take my Chinese cheapy shoes off when I get on the scale... 300 grams.

Hold on . If I take my jacket off - 300 grams.

Breathe in deeply - 300 grams.

And I weighed wearing the same clothes I did last week. Apples with apples, and all that.

Stuff this.

Today I am going on Weigh-Less.

If I could stick to the Shape diet for a week, I can stick to WL for a week. Besides, you get to eat more...

Watch this space for further pain reports.

Writer's Blog

Ughhh!! I think I have it....

....writer's blog....

I have nothing to say that is new.

Or maybe my life is just so tedious- doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again on a daily basis.

To the extent that I have nothing new to discuss. Nothing exciting to tell.

Am I stagnating?

Is this not what I wanted? To be a stay-at-home mom?

Did I not promise my husband that if I could stay home, I will be a good mom, I will loose all the weight, that I would do this that and the other, finish this project, start that one, help him with his knife making?

What happened to all of those promises?

Am I a liar?

What am I doing during the day? Where are all those hours going? I can hardly say I am blogging them away - because I haven't been writing anything (well hardly anything). So what have I done?

Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning.

Doing washing for 7 people twice a week.

A lot of cooking (even though my mother-in-law is supposed to be doing the cooking as part of our household arrangement).

Ferrying the kids from school.

Assisting the gardener in the laying of the bricks for a wide, flat walkway outside so mother-in-law doesn's break a hip on her way to her room.

(God forbid as she 1. AGAIN gambled all her pension money out, resulting in the 2. non-payment of her medical aid, then 3. (secretly) borrowed R4,000 (U$533) to go to England to go visit her other son. But I am not allowed to say anything.)

Ha - but let my mother do something wrong (which inevitably she does on a regular basis) then I am expected to immediately deal with it..

Why are there two sets of rules for our mothers?

Is it because I am now a housewife and no longer earning 'hard' (i.e. measurable in cash terms) income that I am now a non-entity? Am I now just another 'spunger' that has to hold her two cupped hands out and be grateful that she is allowed to live? Shut up because I am not 'working', thus not 'contributing'and therefore have to mind my place?

Must I now start feeling guilty about everything? Anything I buy for the house / the kids?

Make NO mistake. Nothing of the sort has ever been said. Aloud. But I do get the feeling in the silences. The no comments when you expect them. The odd shrugs. The rare comment about money. You know..

Is it fair for me to stay at home?

What am I doing as my kids are as undisciplined if not even MORE spoilt since I have been at home?

Have I made a difference being at home?

What is my objective? What is it that I set out to do?

Am I lazy?

Is this fair on my husband? Am I trying to punish him? For what? Why?

Should I not go and look for work and once again leave the kids with the two mothers to raise?

Am I not allowed to want to raise my kids by myself?

Who Am I?

What do I want??????

Am I unneccessary?